YOU SUCK magazine

Local man to help environment - stops masturbating in the shower

Washington - Timothy Chesler announced today that he would be doing his part to save the environment by no longer masturbating in the shower.

"It seems like everybody is going green," said Timothy. "People are buying hybrid cars, taking public transportation, getting reusable grocery bags. I decided I could save water by no longer wackin' it in the shower."

Chesler explained that his masturbation habits were getting out of hand [pun intended]. "Some days I already have a boner when I step in to the shower, and that's cool. I can yank it in 30 seconds that way. But then other days, I say 'Hey, this shower is boring. I should masturbate' and it can take 10 minutes getting the goods going. Sometimes I just let the water vibrate my balls for like a half hour."

Chesler advises others to follow his lead. "You can even just turn off the water, yank it, and then turn it back on to rinse off your man gel. I'm not gonna lie, I do that a lot now."

Chesler says you can also save water at other times of the day. "I even make sure to I turn off the sink while I am brushing my teeth while I am masturbating."

Orange citrus spray

Q: Is it a problem that I can't wait to have nasty craps just so I can use my orange citrus air freshener?

A: Yes. For my roommate.

Relationship age gaps

My girlfriend is 2 years older than me. I'm 21 and she's 23, and it sometimes causes problems. However, down the line, 2 years of difference is not a big deal at all. When you are 92 and 94, 2 years is nothing. Or is it? "She keeps talking about having great grandchildren and I don't know if I am ready." We have good communication between each other though. We always address our problems. We just don't solve them.

Best poem ever?

yes.

Generation gap

My parents talk about what it was like when they heard Kennedy was shot.

I talk about what it was like when I first saw 2 girls 1 cup.

Purity Rings

Apparently the Jonas Brothers wear purity rings on their hands to proclaim their desire to save themselves for marriage. I don't think a ring on your finger is a good enough reminder. A company should make purity cock rings. No better reminder to keep your penis free from contact of sacrilegious vagina then something on your actual jesus-anger-maker.